Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
