I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
