Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Randomize