Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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