New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
