if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
