He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
