I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
