If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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