Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
They took my balls.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
