when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We talked him into tasing himself.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
