MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
