Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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