there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
