I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
