How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
