i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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