You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize