my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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