I want to walk on stilts...naked
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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