Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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