Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
