im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
