He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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