turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
