I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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