WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
