man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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