i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
