I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
