I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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