Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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