the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
