she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
