i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
