we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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