garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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