I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
