You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
