The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
