woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
