i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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