Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
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