I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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