Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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