You're my little dorito
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
