you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
