I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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