i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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