If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
