A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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