i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
