My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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