I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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