i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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