apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
